


Growls and Giggles

by Eilit



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Companion to Fight Club, F/M, Fluff, Poor Phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-08-11 22:25:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7909897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eilit/pseuds/Eilit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stannis growls. Sansa giggles. Phil is utterly embarrassed. Stannis doesn't care who sees or hears. This is going to be a series of oneshots from other POVs detailing Stannis' exhibition skills. Pure fluff.</p>
<p>Chapter 1: Phil<br/>Chapter 2: Renly</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece to Fight Club, but stands entirely on its own.

When Phil Mosby learned of the maintenance position opening up at the primary school near Storm’s End, he jumped at the chance to return to his home village. He had left several years earlier, just like most of his classmates, as no opportunities for work had existed in the remote, rural section of the Stormlands.

On his first day back in town Phil was greatly surprised to see all the activity on the main street in the village, with people milling about, new shops open, and a huge number of children playing on the green. The village had seemingly sprung back to life.

Phil met with his new boss, Principal Skinner, just two days prior to the beginning of the school year. His job was pretty straight forward – the school was small, and needed a jack-of-all-trades. Someone who could act as a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter, a janitor and engine repairman all at once. Phil could handle that with ease. But he wondered about all the new activity in the once dying village.

“Oh, that’s all due to the reopening of the estate. They’ve been really busy these past few years. They’ve started up new businesses and are renovating the old buildings over there. It’s quite amazing. Storm’s End employs over two hundred people now. And our enrollment here at the school has doubled to nearly one hundred students. In just two years! We were on the verge of closing down, but not anymore!”

Phil found the principal’s pride to be a little too self-centered, as if Skinner himself had brought the jobs back to their sleepy village.

“One more thing, Phil. Don’t let _him_ catch you looking at _her_. It’s just better for everyone. Tomorrow is back to school night, and since their oldest boy is starting pre-school, she will be here. _He_ doesn’t like people, but he might show up anyway.”

Phil was thoroughly confused. “Who, Mr. Skinner, are you referring to?”

“Trust me, Phil, you’re still a young guy, and single to boot. Don’t look at her.”

“ _Who?_ ”

“Why, Mrs. Ba-“

The principal was interrupted by a teacher demanding his immediate attention. He scurried off down the central corridor of the school, shouting back over his shoulder, “Remember Phil, don’t look at her!”

Back to school night turned out to be very busy for Phil. Numerous small emergencies involving failed lights and the odd plugged-up sink kept him busy while parents came and went, meeting their children’s teachers for the upcoming school year. Kids of all ages also dashed through the hallways.

Phil was just putting up his tools when he felt a tug on his carpenter pants. Looking down, he saw a small boy, perhaps three years old with thick black hair and stormy blue eyes watching him.

“Hi! What’s your name?” 

Phil hoped the little boy wasn’t lost. He looked up and down the hallway, but didn’t see anyone interested in or looking at the small boy.

“I’m Steffon. Where’s my teacher?” The little boy’s eyes had turned quite large, and appeared to be on the verge of shedding tears.

“I’m sure she’s here somewhere. Can you tell me her name, or what she looks like?” 

Phil knew if they didn’t find the boy’s teacher soon he would become as panicked as the kid was. He wasn’t used to dealing with kids, but figured that he probably better learn if he wanted to keep his job at the school.

The boy, _Steffon_ , shook his head solemnly.

“How about your mom and dad, Steffon? Are they here?” Steffon brightened up considerably and nodded his head vigorously.

“Mommy’s real pretty. And Papa is really tall!” The boy emphasized the word ‘tall’ by stretching his arms up over his head.

“Well, let’s go find them, then. I bet they’re worried.”

“Papa is never scared. Did you know I have a sister? Cassie is a baby, so she can’t go to school like me.” Steffon spoke with all the seriousness a three year old could muster.

Just then a melodic voice echoed down the hallway. “Steffon? Steffon, there you are! Your teacher is waiting for you!”

Phil turned his towards the voice and stopped dead still. A slim, somewhat tall girl with amazing red hair walked towards himself and the boy. _Gods, she’s drop-dead gorgeous, and she’s right here!_ She was even younger than he was. He couldn’t believe his luck at meeting such a pretty girl close to his own age in his hometown.

She flashed him the most amazing smile as she bent to take Steffon’s hand. “Thank you for keeping an eye on Steffon. He can be a handful sometimes. I’m Sansa, by the way. Are you new here?”

“Ph…Phil. My name is Phil. I just started working here. This is my home town though.”

The girl – Sansa – flicked her glorious red mane back behind her, exposing a flawless, slender porcelain neck. Phil felt his mouth go dry. He couldn’t look away.

“Welcome back home, Phil! I should introduce you to Steffon’s father – maybe you know him.”

Phil just nodded in agreement as he walked with her and the boy towards a classroom, as he hadn’t fully processed her words and thus couldn’t begin to form coherent sentences.

“Uh, Ok.”

They stopped outside a classroom full of several boisterous pre-schoolers. Sansa placed a perfect, soft hand on Phil’s forearm as she turned towards him once more.

“Thank you again, Phil, for keeping Steffon contained.”

Cognizant of the heat building under that beautiful hand, Phil managed to stammer a reply.

“It was no problem, Sansa.” What a beautiful name. “If you’ll be around the school often, maybe we could meet for coffee sometime?”

She smiled once again, but a harsh voice interrupted them, causing Phil to jump.

“Steffon! There you are, son. Your mother was worried about you, lad.” The raspy voice spoke in the thick, local version of the Stormlands dialect, much like Phil’s own. 

A very tall, large man with a scowl and fierce expression strode purposefully towards them. Phil was utterly surprised to see Sansa smile so happily towards the grumpy brute and the boy launch himself into his presumable father’s arms.

“Papa! That’s Phil. He’s new.” The boy, now perched on his father’s shoulders, pointed squarely at Phil. “Mommy likes him, too.”

 _Mommy?_ Phil had thought Sansa was an assistant working with the pre-schoolers, because she didn’t look any older than twenty or twenty-two. To realize that she was married to this middle-aged two-legged version of an infamous Shipbreaker Bay storm shocked him. Who was this man? Phil hadn’t been gone that long, but he didn’t recognize the man at all.

Sansa approached the big man, but turned back to smile at Phil. “Phil, this is my husband, Stannis Baratheon. Stannis, this is Phil, the school’s new maintenance man.”

“You’re his wife? I thought you were an assistant with the pre-schoolers, or maybe Steffon’s nanny.” Phil blurted out loud without thinking to censor his words.

 _Gods! Stannis Baratheon?_ Phil recalled the principal’s last words. _Mrs. Ba-_. He must have meant Sansa Baratheon, Stannis’ beautiful young wife. Even Phil had seen their drama and Mr. Baratheon’s law troubles broadcast on television a few years ago. No wonder they left King’s Landing after that mess was resolved. 

Now, looking at the fierce man scowl down at him, Phil realized that he might be in trouble.

“Not only is Sansa my wife, but she is also the mother of my children.” 

Stannis’ raspy voice had dropped to a deeper, more menacing pitch, and the last word came out as more of snarl. In fact, Phil would swear he could hear a low growl emanate from the older man. He backed up hastily, knocked over a bookshelf and slipped on the pile of softcover books. He felt like a fool.

Sansa whispered something that Phil couldn’t hear, and thankfully Mr. Baratheon nodded at his wife and walked into the classroom with his son in tow, but not before giving Phil an absolutely soul-withering glare.

“It was nice to meet you Phil, but I need to meet my son’s new teacher now. I’m sure I’ll see you around the school.” With that Sansa gave Phil a smile and followed her growling husband into the classroom.

Taking advantage the opportunity afforded him, Phil hightailed it to the parking lot. He just sat in his car for a few minutes trying to catch his breath, and prayed that he never encountered Stannis Baratheon again. He cursed roundly though, when he realized he’d left his phone and gym bag in the maintenance room, so he walked back to the building to fetch it. He hoped to avoid the Baratheons.

The back hallway where Phil’s maintenance room was located appeared to be deserted, but he could hear somebody giggling close by. Whoever it was sounded extremely excited. 

When Phil approached his room he heard a lot of rustling from the other side of the door, and some growling too. It sounded like a raccoon or other wild animal had managed to get inside, but he had no idea how. The echoes of crashing paint cans and falling tools filled the empty hallway. Whatever had gotten into his workspace was making a mess. And he heard more growling. Phil worried that the animal might be rabid.

Steeling himself, he grabbed a nearby broom just in case, and opened the door. Phil was not prepared for the sight that awaited him. Needless to say, there wasn't a raccoon in the closet. 

Phil immediately noticed several things upon opening the door, pushing aside an overturned paint can in the process. One, a bra was hanging from the overhead lamp, and a shirt draped haphazardly over a mop bucket. Two, the scent of sex hung heavy in the air. Three, two people were fucking like wild horses on his desk, and neither of them was quiet about it.

He realized with horror that it was Stannis Baratheon leaning over a bare-breasted Sansa Baratheon, the beauty Phil had half fallen in love with just minutes earlier. The large man sucked on her full and luscious tits while he fucked her with wild abandon. The heavy wooden desk made scratching sounds as it scooted a little further across the floor with each powerful thrust. 

Phil absently noted that his tools, notes and belongings had been swept off his desk and were now strewn carelessly all across the floor.

In that split second after Phil had opened the door, Stannis looked up at him with wild, stormy eyes, even as he continued to suck on his wife’s tit. The man held his gaze while he grinned and growled at the same time, but didn’t stop or even slow his thrusts. If anything they intensified, as did the growls, punctuated by a few half-coherent words.

“Mine! I’m gonna plant another baby in your belly, girl. Right here, right now.”

Phil backed away and quickly shut the door. He leaned against the wall for just a moment until Benny, the janitor, started walking down the corridor. He hoped Baratheon wouldn’t try to kill him tomorrow.

“Phil, I heard some loud crashing. Is everything alright?”

“Uh, um...Raccoons. Yeah, um, a couple of raccoons got into my maintenance room somehow, and made a mess. Don’t go in there, Benny, it ain’t safe. I’ll call animal control in the morning.”

With that Phil took off, completely forgetting that he still hadn’t retrieved his phone or his gym bag. He needed a drink, or better yet, several. It might be his last night, after all.

At the pub Phil sat down at the end of the bar and ordered two shots of whisky and a beer. He downed the first shot, but sipped the second one. The bartender was a friend of his father’s, a calm man named Carl.

“What’s wrong, Phil? I didn’t know you drank alone.” Carl leaned against the bar while he spoke.

“I thought the new job was great, Carl. I had it down, even met some of the kids. Then I met the Baratheons.”

Carl hid a laugh behind a cough, and waved a few of the regulars over to join them.

“Hey guys, Phil met the Baratheons tonight.” Half the room dissolved into laughter, but Phil didn’t see why it was so funny. In fact, he felt horrible, and doomed.

“I don’t see what’s so funny, Carl. I’m pretty sure the man is going to murder me tomorrow.”

“Ah. You looked at her, didn’t you, Phil?”

Phil nodded, miserable. He downed the next shot, and the third one as well, which had somehow magically appeared in front of him.

“Tell me, lad, how bad?”

“She’s beautiful! And she smiled, and talked to me, and put her hand on my arm.” Knowing ah’s and oh’s filled the room. Phil was pretty sure he heard someone whisper “that’s bad”.

“And then, then their little boy told his father that _Mommy likes him_ , referring to me. I’ve never been growled at before.”

Everyone laughed. “Oh ho! Sold out by a toddler! That’s even worse, Phil! Comeon, there’s more, isn’t there?”

“No, I...no.” Phil felt his face flush red, from embarrassment or the booze he couldn’t say. But he couldn’t possibly break their privacy in that way. The guys didn’t need to know what he had seen in the maintenance room. He might have managed to escape any further humiliation, except just then Benny walked into the pub.

“Hey Carl, Phil says some raccoons broke into his workroom. Isn’t that right, Phil?” Benny winked knowingly at Carl.

“Raccoons, Phil? Raccoons?!” By this point at least ten men had crowded up around Phil and the bar. “Benny had raccoons break into his room two years ago. And I found those same raccoons making a mess on my bar four years ago.” Carl shook his head knowingly at Phil as all the other men laughed.

“Phil, let me tell ya something. You’re Phucked.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Out!”

Sansa’s angry shout echoing from the next room alerted Renly, Loras and and Lomas that Robert had probably said something stupid. Again.

Renly looked out the window in time to see Stannis’ rangy form stride quickly across Storm’s End’s expansive front lawn towards the woods. His ever-present shaggy dog loped at his side.

“Uncle, we’ve only been here an hour. Let’s go rescue Robert before Sansa evicerates him.”

The three men entered the parlor, Lomas chuckling behind Renly and Loras. Renly took one look at Sansa’s red face and realized that Robert had crossed some line. His oldest brother stood trapped in a corner by the fiery haired young woman waving a long wooden spoon. She must have come in from the kitchen.

Lomas laughing softly, whispered to Renly, “Pregnancy hormones have Sansa on edge. Sometimes I think Stannis has absorbed them too, he’s so prickly. Wonder what Robert did this time.”

Sansa stood with her hands on her hips, still furious with Robert. She glanced over at Renly, Loras and Lomas with a mixture of relief and annoyance.

“Don’t you ever suggest that again, Robert Baratheon! Godfather or no, I’ll turn you into a Frey pie! Uncle Lomas, take him to Carl’s or something, will you? Just get him out of my sight.”

The men watched with amazement as Sansa stormed out of the room. Renly turned to his brother, who hadn’t moved an inch.

“Robert, what did you _do_?”

Robert’s florid face turned an even deeper shade of red, matching the crimson shades of his voluminous Hawaiian shirt.

“Nothing, I didn’t do anything. That girl’s just crazy from the pregnancy is all. Let’s go check out Carl’s.”

Robert darted out of the room, anxious to escape Sansa’s wrath. Renly would pull the truth from him eventually. He was certain it concerned their middle brother somehow - Sansa never issued threats or got angry unless she felt compelled to defend Stannis. That, plus the fact that Stannis had stormed out of the building convinced Renly that Robert had put his foot in his mouth in spectacular fashion.

Down at the pub Lomas stopped to talk to the owner while Renly, Loras, and Robert sat at a table. Renly could hear snippets of his uncle’s conversation with Carl.

“Tell me, Lomas, which one is pissed off this time?”

“Both of them. I swear, Robert does this shit on purpose. Doesn’t help that the girl’s pregnant again. She’s Stannis’ fiercest defender, and the hormones just push her over the edge. Stannis too. They’re both fucking crazy sometimes.”

“Ha! Let me tell you a thing or two about them fucking, crazy like.”

The three other men had crowded around the bar next to Lomas by this point. Renly and Loras always liked to hear lurid tales, especially since Robert was usually central to most of those tales. Stannis starring in a titillating story was something new.

“My brother? No way, Carl. Stannis doesn’t have sex. Those babies must have been implanted artificially, using in-verdant fertilizers or something.” Robert showed considerable disbelief as Carl just laughed back.

Renly nudged Robert in the ribs. “In-vitro, Robert, it’s called in-vitro fertilization. And Sansa’s mother is Catelyn - Tully women are fertile. Kid number three is on the way. Get a grip.”

“I’m here to tell you, Robert, that Stannis knows exactly what to do with his _equipment_ , and with his woman. And he doesn’t much care who sees or hears them, either.”

Robert stuck his fingers in his ears. “La la la, I’m not listening. She’s my goddaughter, for the gods’ sakes!”

“She’s also our sister-in-law, Robert.” The eldest Baratheon blanched and drained half a pint of ale. Renly grinned and nodded at Carl to continue. He wanted to hear more.

“Well, about four years ago they came in here, not long after they moved onto the estate. Stannis had stepped outside for a minute and when he came back in a local fellow, drunk, was hitting on Sansa. He wasn’t too obnoxious, but Stannis saw him playing with her hair. Your brother didn’t speak so much as growl at the man. He’s a bit possessive.”

“Ha! That’s my Stanny! Did he knock the daylights out of that guy?” Robert now wanted to hear more about his brother’s deeds.

“Stannis was remarkably restrained. He bent over and muttered something right in the man’s ear, what I don’t know, but the guy left in a serious hurry. After that no one bothered her. Any man that even slowed down near her got snarled at.”

Lomas coughed. Renly noted that his uncle was turning rather red too, much to his amusement.

“That’s not the whole story, Carl. They’ll hear it eventually, might as well tell these boys now.”

“Well, we closed up early that night, but I didn’t mind if Stannis and Sansa stayed for a few minutes longer. He doesn’t talk much unless the place is nearly empty. Mike, the drunk who had been hitting on Sansa earlier, came back and tried to hit on her again. I had to get between him and your brother. I hustled Mike back out and took him home before Stannis lost his temper.”

Carl paused to take a sip of his house ale. He chuckled, shaking his head. Renly got the feeling something good was coming, and grinned at Loras.

“Yeah, and?”

“I came in from the back room, thinking Stannis and Sansa had gone home too. Nope. Noises from the front carried through, making me wonder if some sort of animal had gotten in. You know, thumps and growls, glass shattering. I ran in, and just had to stop. There they were, right here on the bar, humping like rabbits. Young Steffon was probably conceived right here.”

Carl patted the bar between him and Robert with his hand. “Yup. Right here.”

Robert jerked away from the bartop as if he’d been shocked by electricity.

“No way. Stannis, my uptight, prudish, number crunching brother, does NOT fuck Sansa on bartops! I doubt if he knows anything else beyond the missionary position. And only in his own bed. And I’m not sure if he even knows that.”

Robert crossed his beefy arms across his expansive stomach and frowned.

Carl laughed, and gestured to a young man sitting at the far end of the bar.

“That’s Phil Mosby. If you don’t believe me, he’s got his own story to tell. Hey Phil! Come here.”

Renly watched as the young man’s eyes grew wide with apprehension when they were introduced. He wondered what might cause Phil to be so nervous.

“Phil, tell Robert and Renly about the raccoons in your workroom.”

“No way, Carl, that ain’t right.” Phil blanched and tried to turn away, but Robert blocked him. Renly put his arms around the fellow’s shoulders and gave him a friendly shake.

“We don’t bite, Phil, promise.”

“Maybe not, but I think your brother does. And I live here, you know. He’ll know I talked to you.”

Renly started to wear Phil down with platitudes, while Robert handed him a shot glass of the pub’s best whisky.

“Don’t worry, Phil, Stannis won’t hear it from us. You know, I remember your father. We were in grade school together, before I went to the Vale. We go way back, your dad and I.”

Renly rolled his eyes. Robert hadn’t seen James Mosby in more than thirty years, but Phil seemed convinced, and with a just a little more encouragement told his tale. By the time Phil finished Robert and Renly both had tears running down their faces.

“ _Mine?_ That’s what he said? _Mine? Plant a baby?_ What the hell, does Stannis think babies grow in the dirt? See, Carl, I told you, Stannis does not have sex. No way.”

Phil shook his head. “It’s the truth, Mr. Baratheon, I swear. They were going to town right there on my desk. And he _growled_ at me, just for talking to Mrs. B.”

“I still don’t believe it.” Robert remained skeptical.

Loras laughed.

“You’re in for a rude surprise, Robert, because I can guarantee that Stannis knows a thing or two about alternate _mating_ positions.”

As Robert sputtered, Renly turned to his partner in surprise. “Lor, what have you been keeping from me?”

The gravelly voice of his uncle diverted Renly’s attention.

“Not here. You three share your stories somewhere else. Have a little respect.” Loras ducked as Lomas wagged a finger in his face, then shoved him and Renly towards to door.

Renly, Loras and Robert walked out of the village, taking the long way back to the estate. Lomas had made them walk, to give Sansa more time to cool off. Before Loras started his story Robert’s phone rang.

“Yeah?...We’re on our way now...The east road...Twenty minutes...Ok, bye.”

Robert sighed as he put the phone in his pocket.

“That was Sansa. She wanted to know when we’d be back. She sounds more reasonable now. In fact, she sounded positively happy. Crazy hormones, I swear.”

Renly too breathed a sigh of relief. Even if he hadn’t instigated whatever had set Sansa off, both she and Stannis would associate him with Robert, and direct their ire towards him as well. If Sansa was pleased, then Stannis would be, at the very least, _not_ pissed off.

Robert brightened considerably as he looked over Renly’s head at Loras. “Loras, you have a story to tell? Convince me that my brother is a true red-blooded Baratheon. Because I think Carl was just talking story to amuse himself.”

“I swear this is true. Remember last summer when we came down, Renly? Sansa asked me to help her with the rose garden expansion. Of course I couldn’t say no, you understand, don’t you Robert?”

Robert clearly did not understand. “Roses? What does that have to do with my brother? I don’t think he even notices things like that.”

“Just listen. Anyway, the second or third night here it was the full moon. I woke up and looked outside, and the moonlight was just so amazing. I had to go to the rose garden. I do this every time I visit High Garden too.” Loras sounded wistful. He really did like his roses. Renly still didn't understand his partner's fascination with the thorny flowers, but he had learned to accept it.

“Wait? What? Where was I?” Renly didn’t remember Loras visiting the rose garden that night. He himself certainly didn’t go out there.

“You were sleeping, Ren, and I didn’t want to wake you. Anyway, it was warm, and I slipped out to the garden. The roses were just amazing in the light. Those blue roses, under the moonlight, they practically glow…” Loras’ voice faded off as his thoughts meandered.

“Yeah, yeah, get to it, Loras. I don’t care about glowing blue roses.” Robert waved his hands impatiently for Loras to continue.

“Well, I was trying to get a picture with my phone when I heard a girl giggling. Then I heard a growl. I thought whoever she was, an animal might have been stalking her, so I ran towards the noise. I came to where the huge trellis and benches are, in the middle of the garden. The growling came from the trellis, and it was shaking! Weaving back and forth, like the wind was blowing. But there wasn’t any wind.”

“Nope. No way. My brother does not fuck in trellises. You’re making this up, Loras.”

“I swear by my grandmother’s jewels this is the truth, Robert.”

“Comeon Lor, finish the tale.” Renly really wanted to learn what his lover knew.

Loras waggled his eyebrows right back. He was holding back on purpose.

“Ok, I turned the corner and saw them. Stannis was standing up - that man has a serious set of abs and back muscles, by the way - and Sansa had wrapped her legs around his waist, but she was bent back almost horizontal, and gripped the the lattice frame. And he was growling! Man has stamina.”

“Did they see you?” Renly had secretly wanted to get caught in the act himself, but Loras was a lot more shy about it.

“Sansa didn’t, but Stannis did. And he didn’t give a damn. He just growled and grinned at me and moved even faster. It’s like he wanted to show off. He’s a beast!”

Despite the admiration and envy that Renly heard in Loras’ voice, he knew his lover only looked to him. A reckless idea took hold of Renly.

“Loras, you and I really gotta try that out.”

Robert groaned, but a harsh voice from behind them caused all three to jump. “Try what out?”

Stannis had exited the woods right behind them as they approached the Baratheon’s ancestral home. Renly hadn’t seen or heard his brother. Yet there he stood, scowling from under his ever present ball cap, boots and lower pant legs damp from whatever bracken and wet underbrush he had been stomping through. Renly stuttered.

“Um...Visenya’s. Yeah, that nouveau Valyrian restaurant in King’s Landing. It’s near Baelor’s Sept. On the hill. Visenya’s hill.”

Renly realized that he was rambling, and knew that Stannis knew it too. He wasn’t convinced that Stannis _hadn’t_ heard Loras’ tale, either, but he valued his life too much to ask.

Stannis grunted, but otherwise remained quiet until they reached the door. Then he corralled his two brothers.

“Sansa has asked for you to join us for dinner. You two will _not_ cause her anymore unnecessary distress. Clear?”

Renly and Robert both nodded. Renly felt like he was six again, and nearly wilted under his brother’s intense glare. Even Robert had the good graces to look sheepish.

Renly cornered his brother after Stannis stalked inside. “Spill, Robert. What did you say to piss them off earlier?”

“Nothing, really. I might have said something about her being a rural housewife, barefoot and pregnant all the time. I mean, she’s pregnant _again_. Who has three kids in four years? And I asked Stannis when he was going to stop playing gentleman farmer and come back to King’s Landing to work for me again. What’s the big deal?”

Renly rolled his eyes. “Even I’m not that dumb. You really do have a death wish, don’t you? Just try not to say anything stupid at the table tonight. You should sit with Cassana, seeing how your maturity is at about the same level.”

Dinner went reasonably well, until Robert opened his big mouth. Cassana, eighteen months old now, sat in a high chair next to her Uncle Robert, and seemed to have him wrapped around her finger. Every time Robert tried to talk to an adult Cassie would bang on her tray and shout “Unca Bot!”, so he would turn back and make dorky faces while they ate mashed potatoes together. By the end of the meal Renly wasn’t sure who wore more potato on their shirt, Cassie or Robert. Neither one seemed to care.

Steffon, or “Stannis’ mini-me”, as Loras called him, sat next to his father. Renly noticed that Stannis would often run his hand across Steffon’s shoulders or ruffle his short black hair, even as he ate or conversed with Sansa or Lomas. After a while the boy climbed into his father’s lap and started eating off Stannis’ plate. Renly thought for sure Stannis would scold him for such impropriety, but Stannis just wrapped an arm around his son and let the boy stay. Soon enough Steffon slumped against his father’s chest, sound asleep. Stannis looked more content than Renly had ever seen him. Then Robert spoke.

“You know Stannis, down at Carl’s we met this fellow named Phil. Nice kid. James Mosby’s son. You remember James, right? Phil’s about the same age as Sansa.” Robert laughed as he started playing peekaboo with Cassie.

Robert was trying to get a reaction out of Stannis, and as always, it worked. Stannis’ eyes tightened, shoulders tensed up, and his content expression vanished. Steffon squirmed in his sleep.

Sansa responded with a fond smile. “Phil, the school’s maintenance man? I see him when I volunteer over there. He's such a sweet guy."

Loras started choking on his water, but Renly could tell he was grinning. Stannis had started growling and scowling at Robert. Sansa brightly asked everyone if they wanted lemoncakes for dessert.

 

Hours later Renly jerked awake, certain he had heard a door or floorboard squeak. Then he heard another squeak. He hadn’t grown up at Storm’s End, and honestly didn’t care for the oddities the large old mansion contained.

Curious, he pulled on some clothing and went to find out what, or _who_ , had made the sound. He went through the kitchen door in time to see Robert attempting to stealth walk towards the rose garden. His brother was too big and fat to even try to be quiet.

“Psst! Robert! What are you doing?” Renly stage whispered as he trotted across the lawn.

“Shhh! Keep it down. I heard some noises from my window. There’s something out here. I want to make sure Cassie and Steffon are safe.”

“Yeah, right. You know Stannis would never allow any harm come to his family. Besides, you practically glow in those white pajamas. You’re not sneaking up on anything. What gives?”

A giggle and a growl punctuated the quiet night air. “Over there! Let’s go,” Robert whispered as he tried to hustle quietly towards the rose garden. Renly had a feeling he knew what they would find.

Robert stopped suddenly at the corner of the hedge, mouth hanging wide open, face nearly as white as his pajamas. Renly skidded to stop next to him, and just stared. Moonlight poured down into the hedged rose garden, and the warm ocean breeze fluttered leaves and grass alike. The tableau before them reminded Renly of the scene in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, where the Dracula/werewolf had seduced Lucy and ravished her on a stone bench. So it seemed at first glance with Stannis and Sansa.

Renly stood with Robert and just watched, spellbound, as Stannis and Sansa made love with wild abandon in the confines of the rose garden. They were completely oblivious to their audience. Renly knew he and Robert should leave, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. The intensity of his brother’s passion took him by surprise. Then a rough calloused hand clamped itself across his mouth and he was jerked away.

Both brothers were dragged behind a series of hedges.

“What are you two doing?” Lomas’ craggy face showed disappointment and anger.

Robert had the grace to look chastised. “I heard noises…”

“Uh huh. And you just had to see if the stories were true. Are you satisfied now?”

The sound of Sansa’s giggles and Stannis’ low pitched laugh carried through the hedges. Robert turned toward the sound, looking confused.

“Why are they laughing?”

Renly stifled his own giggle as Lomas smacked Robert upside the back of his head.

“Ow!” Robert exclaimed. “What was that for?”

“To give you a clue. It’s only been _four_ years. Those two are madly in love. Haven’t you figured it out by now? How the hell can you be such a successful businessman and still be so damn stupid?” Lomas herded the brothers back towards the house.

“I’ll be damned.” Robert finally laughed out loud. “The rose garden. The bar. The janitor's closet. My brother’s a closet exhibitionist! Stanny’s got game, after all. I’m proud of him.”

  
Renly raced up the stairs. He couldn’t wait to wake up Loras and share his own story. And maybe try out some new moves for themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a note, comments are always welcome!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to TommyGinger for the fun inspiration!


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